I was taking my son to school today and there were some older kids in the playground and one of them used the ol’ F word in a very loud way. So, I told him, “Hey, there are kids around, eh!”, as in, don’t say that. So, the kid got a little mouthy about it and such. So, what I WANTED to say to him was “Look, you little f’in snot nose f’in brat. Stop mother f’in bein’ and f’in little snot nose mother f’in snot nose kid with a snot nosin’ mother f’in snot nose attitude, you f’in mother f’in mofo bastard child. I’ll take that f’in F word and shove it up your mother f’in ass and you’ll never mother f’in say another snot nosed, bratty, bastarly f’in F word ever f’in again. Mofo!” But, fortunately, I didn’t.
Wow, have I neglected THIS blog. It’s almost like I don’t even care about it. But I do! I do! I’ve just been trying to actually make some money with writing, and as a result I was kind of all like not writing on this blog. I’m so selfish that way.
There are just not enough comedians out there doing Robert DeNiro, Christopher Walken and Arnold Swartzenaaga (okay, I don’t know how to spell that name) impressions. Come on, people! Step it up! Get with the program. If you can’t do these impressions how are you expecting to make it to the big time? Look, work on it people. Every comic at an open mic should be doing these impressions, not just half of you hacks, ALL of you, dammit! It’s what the people want. Give the people what they deserve!
I was standing in line at the passport office, because, you know, that’s what you do at a passport office. This girl behind me was talking to someone on her little cellular phone thingy. She sounded less than impressed that she had to wait in line, and she told the person on the other end, in a rather disgusted way that, “There is exactly 15 people in line, like, almost.” Well, glad that is cleared up. Exactly….almost. Precisely….kinda? Absolutely….maybe?
….I’ll still do one anyway, what the heck. Ready?
Kanye West is to award shows what Russia is to Ukraine.
Because, you know….he’s belligerent, storms in, takes over, think he belongs there, and has a wife that makes him look like a Russian oligarch. Get it?
Okay, not one of my better jokes.
I listen to CD’s. I think that makes me a retro hipster. I’m listening to CD’s before others will be back to listening to CD’s to try and be ironically cool.
The King of Saudi Arabia has died. Boy is he going to be in for a surprise when he gets to Paradise and finds that the gates are controlled by non Burka wearing women who drive!
Okay, I thought of a new resolution. This year, I resolve to use more jokes like “Thanks for the mammories” and “Take my wife, please” in my sets!
Going to the Winnipeg Symphony tonight. Plan on starting a moshpit.
Frickin’ heck! Between getting a new Fitbit and a GoPro for my birthday, I am loaded up with great new tech gadgets from all of my wonderful family members. I’m spoiled. Prepare for many upcoming GoPro videos of me doing exciting extreme things like doing the dishes, or doing the laundry, or arguing with people on the internet!
Nickelback is releasing a new album, their 8th, titled “Albums one through seven with a different cover”.
Well. Well, indeed. I’ve pretty much ignored this little blog, haven’t I? Interesting indeed.
I had such big plans for you, my little blog. Where did it all go wrong? Why have I neglected you so? It’s not fair! It’s not fair that I should do this to you! Oh, please forgive me! I promise, I will use you more. I will write in you more. I will not ignore you as I have been. You are a good blog, you really really are. You are thoughtful, considerate, patient and understanding. You could have left. You could have up and taken off to another blogger. But, you didn’t. You stayed. And you waited. And I appreciate that you did that. You are a kind blog. I will not neglect you no more…ever.