humor

Midlife Crisis

I’m 42 years old now. I’m trying to plan a midlife crisis but it’s really hard to when I don’t know exactly when I’m going to die. What if I start a midlife crisis today and end up being hit by a truck tomorrow? Then it will have been a latelife crisis and I’ll look like a complete idiot. Or, if I start today and live until I’m 109, it will look like I really suck at math, and again I will look like a complete idiot. I need to time this right. If I start today then I must make sure I’m dead by this time in my 84th year of existence. That’s the only way I can see coming out of this ahead as a winner.

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Separation of Politics and Comedy?

Much of my comedy has been weird one-liners. But, I’m a super political person and I keep wanting to branch out into more political comedy. How is that going, you ask? Not great. I haven’t actually been able to make it work on stage yet. It hasn’t gelled. I have a bit of work to do on that.

I wasn’t sure if I should do political stuff on this blog. My other blogs are almost exclusively political or discussing this or that current or not so current event. I thought I would try and separate the two. But if I am going to actually do political humour, then I guess I can’t really keep the two separate, can I? So, it looks like my posts on this blog are set to be a little heavier than I intended at first. Maybe?

Anyway, how’s that Donald Trump working out for everyone?

Ya, ya, ya….I know

Holy geez. When I started this blog I was sure it would be a blog I would keep up with. I haven’t. I lied. I lied almost as if my last name were Trump. First name Donald. Middle initial J. That’s how bad I lied. Mind you, unlike the actual Trump, Donald J. I am admitting that I lied. I’m not presenting this as an alternative fact of some sort. That would be kind of pointless because it’s obvious that there aren’t a million people here….I mean, that I haven’t actually written anything on these pages in, like, forever.

Anyway, for now, I shall end this here. I promise I will write more sooner. And as I say that, I am sure you know what I mean. It means I will make another blog post in a few months or so telling you how much I have neglected this blog. That’s all this blog is going to be. It will only be posts about how I haven’t posted in a long time. Exciting, eh?

My Pet Peeve?

There are just not enough comedians out there doing Robert DeNiro, Christopher Walken and Arnold Swartzenaaga (okay, I don’t know how to spell that name) impressions. Come on, people! Step it up! Get with the program. If you can’t do these impressions how are you expecting to make it to the big time? Look, work on it people. Every comic at an open mic should be doing these impressions, not just half of you hacks, ALL of you, dammit! It’s what the people want. Give the people what they deserve!

What Did She Say?

I was standing in line at the passport office, because, you know, that’s what you do at a passport office. This girl behind me was talking to someone on her little cellular phone thingy. She sounded less than impressed that she had to wait in line, and she told the person on the other end, in a rather disgusted way that, “There is exactly 15 people in line, like, almost.” Well, glad that is cleared up. Exactly….almost. Precisely….kinda? Absolutely….maybe?

A Few Recent Facebook Posts

I listen to CD’s. I think that makes me a retro hipster. I’m listening to CD’s before others will be back to listening to CD’s to try and be ironically cool.

The King of Saudi Arabia has died. Boy is he going to be in for a surprise when he gets to Paradise and finds that the gates are controlled by non Burka wearing women who drive!

Okay, I thought of a new resolution. This year, I resolve to use more jokes like “Thanks for the mammories” and “Take my wife, please” in my sets!

Going to the Winnipeg Symphony tonight. Plan on starting a moshpit.

Frickin’ heck! Between getting a new Fitbit and a GoPro for my birthday, I am loaded up with great new tech gadgets from all of my wonderful family members. I’m spoiled. Prepare for many upcoming GoPro videos of me doing exciting extreme things like doing the dishes, or doing the laundry, or arguing with people on the internet!

Nickelback is releasing a new album, their 8th, titled “Albums one through seven with a different cover”.