writing

Midlife Crisis

I’m 42 years old now. I’m trying to plan a midlife crisis but it’s really hard to when I don’t know exactly when I’m going to die. What if I start a midlife crisis today and end up being hit by a truck tomorrow? Then it will have been a latelife crisis and I’ll look like a complete idiot. Or, if I start today and live until I’m 109, it will look like I really suck at math, and again I will look like a complete idiot. I need to time this right. If I start today then I must make sure I’m dead by this time in my 84th year of existence. That’s the only way I can see coming out of this ahead as a winner.

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Pudding.

This is my rant against pudding. I’ve done it on stage a number of times. I do it mostly because I can remember it. I’m bad at remembering jokes, so sometimes quality of joke is trumped by the ability to remember the joke.

Instant pudding. It takes 2 minutes to prepare and 5 minutes to set. That’s 7 minutes. That is NOT an instant. And when you are a fat guy like me you can’t be waiting around for 7 minutes for puddin’! You need your pudding NOW! INSTANTLY!

Ya, it’s easy to remember. It’s pudding. I can remember pudding related jokes.

A funny thing happened on the way to writing this blog….

The weirdest thing happened. I started this blog yesterday. And people actually visited it, liked it and read it. I think more people read my blog yesterday than will actually see me perform this weekend (Sunday at Finn’s Pub, at the Forks in Winnipeg, MB, by the way). So, first off, to you, the folks who checked my blog out, I say thanks. No, I mean it. Thanks. Thanks very much. You gave me validation, which, face it, is the reason we all take to the internet anyway. They don’t have a like button on Facebook for nothing, you know.

Now, a new problem arises. What the hell am I going to write about? The goal is to write at least something each day, which is how these things usually start. But, what? Jokes? Okay, well, here is one that I am working on….

Tigers make terrible house pets. First off, it is really difficult to find a kitty litter box that size. Second of all, keeping all those gazelles in the living room for them to eat gets really messy.

….still a work in progress.

Just to clarify, my comedy can get dark, but it is usually very clean. I’m a clean comic. Or am I? Not the clean part, the comic part. Anyway, regardless, I’m clean. Well, mostly. We’ll see how clean I am in writing. Well, okay I can say it will be pretty darn clean. I don’t do the whole dick joke thing. Not frowning on anyone who does. If it works for them, great. But, I like to do comedy that if my parents came and watched me perform, I wouldn’t be embarrassed. Besides, I’m not a swearer. I don’t swear, unless I am mad. Then I swear. But, that is MAD mad, not just mad. Like, I’m talking furiously mad. Like really, quite angry like. Boy oh boy, then, wow, you wouldn’t believe what comes out of my mouth. I try to keep that to a minimum though.

Annnnnnnnddddd, that is my rambling contribution to the internet done for the day.

Step 1: Write Something

So, I’ve been doing “comedy” for a few years now. I may as well start a blog, right? Doing comedy? Like, a comedian type person you are thinking? Ya, sorta like that, i guess. I don’t know. At what point can someone call themselves a comedian. It’s not like I’m a good comedian or anything. Well, I do okay, but, I wouldn’t exactly call my self a professional and I really can’t say I make a single penny from it. I don’t. In fact, I seem to be losing money at it. Okay, well, definitely not making money, put it that way. Can I be funny? Sure. I guess. I try. Gawd knows I try. Or do I? Well. Yes. Am I rambling? Yes. I suppose I am. I do that sometimes.

Here’s the thing. I write jokes, mostly one liners, then I get on stage, forget half of them, then bumble around for a while figuring out what the heck I’m supposed to do. Sometimes it actually works, too! I’ve had some good sets that I am happy about. I’ve had some that can be best described as a train wreck. I do like writing though. Oh, yes. I write all the time. Usually it’s rants on Facebook or twitter about news stories. They tend to be rather trolly and negative. So, I thought, maybe it’s time to start a funny blog that can showcase a more humourous side to me. Eh? Good thing, right? Ya, that’s what I thought to.

So, this is post one in the quest to create a brand spanking new comedy blog to go along with my stalled comedy career, and my unproductive and unprofitable “freelance” writing “career”. Ya, I do a lot of writing actually. None of it makes me a cent. I’m a perpetual volunteer. Why not start a whole new writing project that won’t gain me a cent? Sure! Heck, why not! Note, if anyone out there wishes to pay me for any writing activities I do, I will be very grateful to you.

If you like this post and feel that this might actually go somewhere interesting, then keep on following me! If, like me, your optimism about this project isn’t high, looking at this potentially as yet another of those blogs that are began with good intentions, only to die a slow death, until one day, it just ends for no specific reason, with a last post that offers no clues. Did he die? Did his fingers get chopped off in a combining accident? What happened!? Why no more posts??? Who knows what will happen! Okay, yes, my self promotion skills aren’t being shown off here. That’s fine. I understand. Hey, we can’t all be Gene Simmons.